Contemplations of a Strange Mind, Day 2
Revisiting and sharing anguish is fun? … This one is kinda dark
Im sad…. Im mad… Im down… Im falling down… sinking down…
I feel so defeated… so angry… so useless… so powerless…
I am lost… confused, broken… abused.. or just misused…
Hah.
Sigh.
“Trade expectation for appreciation”… so says Tony Robbins on a Time Ferriss interview… Eliminate suffering by training your mind to appreciate and be grateful for what is… rather than experiencing loss, less, or nothing/empty promises from that ever-sabotaging backstabber that is ‘Expectations’…
Employ the 90 second rule… breathe… smile… live with a feeling of fulfillment
Some damn great advice…
I want to say its stupid… I want to say ‘but thats easier said then done’… I want to say and think that I dont have much to be thankful for… that I, as a member of an oppressed peoples.. of a systemically disadvantaged peoples… the poor peoples…. oh… and I being black too I suppose…
As a kid that grew up nigh impoverished and forever fighting his own mind… forever losing any semblance of his own confidence and feeling of self-worth… As a kid whose battled depression basically all by himself and came out… in a living condition… As a boy whose had nothing… had no friends or companions or real confidants in this plane of existence we call a world… As all sorts of ‘victimized’ personas… As all sorts of self-doubting, self-hating aberrations of angst… As …. whatever….
I really want to say that such advice is bullsht… it dont put money in my pocket right now… it dont get me out this pit I feel suffocated in… I want to say… excuses…
I want to say nobody cares about any of those excuses… even though its my life and its my struggle and its the pain I go through everyday… nobody cares. Its all an excuse as to why my failure to finally succeed sustainably…
There are billions of people who have it worse…
There are… but GOTdamit why cant I feel bad for my own situation?
Sheesh… it feels like I have to feel bad for feeling bad… it feels like I dont have anything to feel bad for.. but thats what we measure our lives by isnt it? By how bad we feel when things just arent going right and making us feel good?
Or perhaps thats a warped state of mind… perhaps we’re all just a bunch of whiny shts.. bunch of sniveling babies who dont deserve the sentience we waste on complaining and crying and whining and angst…
Or perhaps thats an unfair deduction. Perhaps thats where the self-hate and self-doubt and low self-esteem stem from… From not loving and appreciating and caring for ones self..-ish desire to just sit down and whine a bit about ones ‘privilege’… regardless of how poor or rich one is. Perhaps the ability to contemplate and even consider one’s expectations and then make snap judgements to determine how reality has failed them … perhaps such a crazy privilege and quirk of sentience is no curse nor even a fault… perhaps its a gift… an asset….
For if one never complains or whines or feelsbadman about their circumstances or expectations… how can one ever change? How can one ever appreciate and then take action to change? How can one ever truly appreciate that which they never had complaints about?
Perhaps I shouldnt be so hard on myself… No…. yes… naw… eh… yeh… I really shouldnt be so on myself… all it does is make me feelbad more and then make sink myself further into the quagmire… but then again its disturbingly interesting down here…. so much room for thought… for considering the world above… where else can you think so much but in the silent loneliness of ones personal purgatory?
Time stands still, flows backwards, speeds on into infinity.. nothing matters, so all opinions and thoughts become unbiased and runaway into the theoretical yet always grounded into the practical due to the incessant need to complain about the very real problems of your reality…
Hah… sigh…
But bias is always there…. and thoughts stemming from depression are far from objective… they’re tainted and warped by the very thick lense of darkness that clouds ones mind like a ponderously nimble scavengers feasting on the living corpse of your inner self as you kill yourself over and over again in an impressive variety of suicidal mental torture… eventually the inner death even leaks out….
But does committing to the leakage make you more or less strong? Does it make you a better or worse person for actually making the decision to end the suffering rather than putting yourself on a cross like some dumb, masochistic wannabe posing as a martyr… does choosing to suffer by failing to actually choose make you the real coward?… Am I coward because I could never find the courage to commit to an End?…
Eh … too heavy for the rainshower right now…
Not even that serious… the problem, the trigger… It wasnt even that big an issue to be considering such…
I just wanted to complain…. to whine… to prostrate myself and feel like my problem was not as insignificant and self-absorbed as I knew it to be…
So what then does that mean? Are all these contemplations pointless or nah?
Nah… contemplations are always fun…. interesting.. apt… measurements of the mental space as it puzzles itself into a livable space… a space rife with heavenly bodies and astral projections and star stuff…
Catharsis…. it feels good… its necessary… its the meta that makes one think otherwise…
When I use that gift of metacognition I end up twisting my mind into so many loops that I end up with my head shoved up my own assets…
Things I usually consider strengths end up ending me… hahah.
LOL
Hahahahahaha smh
Just gotta laugh…
Just gotta breathe…
Go head on do that 90 second exercise…
Train that mind to work for you instead of for itself, with no real direction.
I feel guilty … a bit… about sharing this stuff… not because its embarrassing and TMI… but because Im just sharing outta much needed selfishness… Out of a long-time restrained desire to be heard, to be listened to, to have an avenue of release… to feel important… to feel like its not just me in here… to make myself believe that this isnt some solipsistic purgatory… even though thats such a cool word…
So in order to alleviate that guilt… here are some ideas somebody my find more useful than my unapologetically selfish ramblings…
People, everywhere, need an outlet. Here a few ideas for that:
Local community parks built and kept up by ‘crowdsourcing’. Members of the community all can bring whatever tools, skills, and resources they have to spare to help build the park.
Everyone that participates can receive rewards ranging from gift cards to school credits/hours to fancy achievements to put on their walls… and of course plenty of selfies, names written in stone, and bragging rights to glorify their acts of selfish altruism.
The landowners that donate their land for the community (including all rights to said land) are rewarded by way of…. fancy rewards… and a statue… yeh… everyone wants a statue of themselves, right? ~.^
Local (high-tech) arcades where gamers can actually step outside to enjoy the awesomeness of LAN parties while also being able to play more games than most could ever afford themselves… featuring ALL the coolest tech: VR, AR, drones, capsules, battle-suits, 4k 3D holodecks… FUTURE GAME STUFF!!
Servers are crowdsourced (built from scratch… or bought… for the lames…) and primarily pay for themselves via *blockchains* and hosting tournaments. All games are F2P but can have some (literal) cash shops for aesthetic (totally not hand-crafted) schwag
PS: I’ve been seriously, super seriously, contemplating this one for a while…. look for an indepth post/pitch coming soon(TM).
Internet profiles… for ALL your internet needs… thus allowing you to post your feelings and thoughts and ideas literally all over the internet!… Okay.. not all over… but have a centralized profile (that contradictorally lives across distributed systems, ie the ‘cloud’) so that you can finally have only ONE account across as many internet webs as you want. Of course you can obfuscate the central profile and create multiple avatars for every and any site too… cuz weze be too paranoid to make it that easy for dem hacker wankers… i mean ehm… all hail Anonymous.
But really… this will allow you to Express Yourself however you feel like it, as publicly or secretly as you desire, in any way you need to. (Just know that taking this as an excuse to abuse the system and go on a trolling/bully spree will most def sick the Bounty Hunters on yer psychotic arse… ;)
I think there’s more… but thats all I care to share right now… you may go.
;P
I kid I kid…. or… do I man? Iunno…
Thank you so much for reading… and caring. Yeah, Im talking to you SF Ali!! My one fan… or at least the only person crazy enough to read and recommend my ramblings haha…
For anyone else that happens to make it all the way down here… I am so sorry… but much thanks for the new ‘100% read’ stat ration mahjiggy :D
Let me know if you do in fact care by clicking that earthy green heart down yonder.
Much thanks… …. ….. Should I be saying something else here? Iunno.
Piece out!!
