Failure… vs Identity
A Book in 30 Days — Day 5: Chapter 2
It's hard to fail.. harder still to accept that you've failed…
For me, the hardest thing was not identifying AS my failure.
For me, whenever I realize how far I’ve fallen, or how I’m still not successful… When I see how I’m still broke, seemingly unskilled, unable to protect my family,
my mother,
my woman…
from the stress of being poor…
UGH!!
It rips my heart to pieces; shreds my soul asunder; eats my mind like a jagged toothed monster gnawing on my brain!
Failure feels personal.
It IS personal.
Though I’m always ready to hear feedback, to internalize and grow from it; and though I’m never one to refuse or attack someone for valid critique (ie anything not a blatant lie)…
My problem is that I take everything personally.
I’ve tried all manner of metacognition and confidence boosting and logical reasoning and emotional dissociation and more to not take things personal. But I realized that’s just how and who I am.
I realized it’s not necessarily something I should be ashamed of or try to change ( I don’t think it can be) either. Instead, I should accept it and learn to work with it. To use it to my advantage.
And in many ways, it is an advantage. Taking things personal allows me to be more empathetic. It allows me to impart my own feedback in a way that the receiving party is far more likely to accept, even if it’s hard feedback, because I’m always thinking about how I would take it, and the worst way they might interpret it.
Taking things more personal allows me to listen a lot more effectively and genuinely. I’m always assuming someone is saying something (‘constructive’) about me, so I tend to really absorb what someone is saying and interpret it as potential feedback, critique, or otherwise them having a personal moment with me.
Even if it’s something obviously impersonal like…
Well I dont know what something impersonal is like.
All I know is that logic doesnt help.
I was born a full-blooded Haitian, yet I can’t speak Creole, my mother’s tongue.
- Logically, that’s a normal consequence of second or third generation immigrants. But I feel like it’s because I fail at learning languages; at being filial enough… I’m thus not a ‘real’ Haitian.
I was practically born and raised in poverty. My family was poor my whole life. Maybe we could have been considered lower middle class for a little while. But I grew up poor. And I’m still poor. Homeless… technically.
- Logically, I know it’s a matter of institutional classism, and even racism…unfortunate circumstances, ineffective systems, economic downturns and inflation, etc. But I feel like it’s because I fail at actually providing value or being a valuable human being. I’m thus not a desirable, skilled, or resourceful citizen.
I never had a girlfriend until I was 21.
- Logically, I know it’s because I never tried asking a girl out and even chose to focus on school. But I feel like it’s because I’m ugly, unwanted, and a boring nerd. Oh and I’m dark skin and everyone likes light skin dudes. Oh and because I’m short. And my teeth are cricked. And I’m petite, barely 120 pounds. And I’m just unattractive.
I never had a childhood best friend.
- Logically, I know it’s because I’ve moved 10+ times and haven’t stayed in the same school system for long. But I feel like I’m a weirdo, antisocial, freak who can’t make friends that want to stay in touch with me.
I never went to college, nor have made $10K at once.
- Logically, that’s because I haven’t tried hard to be in the job market. I work for startups and do internships. I build experiences amd skillsets and invest in my future through real world projects instead of schoolwork. But I feel like it’s because I have no desirable skills.
Logically, I know none of this is all my fault; nor an indicator of my person or my worth… but I consider it a personal failing amyways. All of it.
Im supposed to be smart… responsible. Why cant I fix this? Why can’t I figure it out?
Its because I’m a fuck up. A failure. Im worthless. I’m useless. A waste of talent, a waste of effort, a waste of time and energy and resources.
There’s people from way worse situations.. from Real poverty who were driven and resourceful enough to fix their situations.
They became millionaires before they were 23…
They didn’t fail at life…
And that’s why I made it my purpose to change the world, rather than just my world… I’m not the type to donate or enjoy comnunity service or even be a good samaritan, just because I’m a good person. Whatever that means.
No.
I do it because I’m personally invested.
I will change the world because the world has fucked with my whole life and that of my loved ones and almost everyone I know.
The world has pushed me and them to depression, to apathy, to settling for less. The world is a bully.
I hate bullies.
I never let anyone bully me.
I don’t allow anyone to bully my siblings.
I’m not going to live my life letting the government or corrupt capitalism or totalitarian communism or anything or anyone bully my fellow humans, my community, my family, my loved ones.
Fuck no.
Angers the shit out of me just thinking about it!
I grew up thinking that I was a failure. A waste of space. Everytime I misstepped or went another year seeing my family suffer, I felt like my entire life was utterly moot. Inconsequential.
Despite all my logic… I can’t help but to take it personal.
I’ve tried fighting it, changing myself, thinking otherwise… but this feeling seems to be hard coded into my very being.
Everytime I see some injustice, some corruption, or even rampant incompetence… I see it as a personal affront.
Everytime I try to ignore it and live my life more objectively and not take things so close to heart, I fall into depression.
I can’t live any other way.
I don’t want to.
I am going to change the world… not because I’m a genius or arrogant or anything. I just have to. It’s a matter of identity.
This is who I am.
This is personal!
Thanks for reading!!
Check out Chapter 1 if you missed it.
