I Did it Again, I let Experience teach me a Lesson
Another Reason as to why Experience is the Ultimate (thus probably the worst) Teacher
TLDR; Dont let life teach you a lesson… ie dont wait till you experience something wild to learn… read a book, many books. Talk to people. Get out there and do. Especially if you dont know how…
He did it again… James Altucher got me back on track.. or at least got me realizing how foolishly I was fearing walking down my own path.
With a great assist by Yann Girard (pretty much any of his articles this past week)
So here’s the Play-by-Play (by a totally non-sports enthusiast, you have been warned)
I lost my way, ran from my self-given purpose, failed to do much of anything due to my fear to fail at everything.
I ‘luckily’ spent much of my time lost in the grey of depressive self-loathing productively.
I kicked but in an internship in which helped me gain experience as a leader, a developer, a project manager, and even a bit in marketing, data science, and remote work.
I helped my SO create an epically dope story concept and publish her first ever piece of fiction writing in public. Check it out here: Exodus — Chapter One: G0 Phase
I came to hate my father (again), then came to hate myself for hating someone I know to be just misguided in his good intentions. Then came to hate the world for the nigh poverty we find ourselves mired in so absolutely that makes all of this so much harder. Finally just mellowing out to a simmering restlessness to do something.. to create in order to destroy. To tear down the injustices and discriminatory practices I see all around me making life downright futile for a painfully large amount of people; from the ‘first-world’ minorities of the country I want to love but demands nothing more but my ire; to the ‘third-world’ impoverished truly stuck in the dirt I only figuratively feel caked in.
To obliterate it all and build anew… a new system and infrastructure… a society founded and kept alive only by Doing The Right Thing, consistently…
I found my drive again, I lost my drive, I walked miles just to feel dissatisfied, only to feel better after all. I treked and put myself further out there than I’ve ever been, all to prove a point to no one that was listening…
I felt so dead these past months, and yet so alive… so angry and yet so apathetic…. so ready and restless to DO to MOVE to CREATE… and yet so useless and powerless and stupidly, foolishly fake.
I feel better now… but and yet I still feel confuzzled…
I feel like I should be scared and hesitant and just not do what I want to do… That I should indeed wait till I get something ‘just so’ to release something with less ‘wires’ and ‘feelings’ poking out and … to be professional… to only show that infallible ‘brand’ of which people will see me as someone always ‘put together’ and levelheaded. I wish for my writing to give people pause with its marvelousness and technical perfection. To WOW people with my intelligence and far-seeing wisdom and concise knowledge all packed into clear, simple, totally not unnecessarily long and convoluted sentences with all these thingies and majigers stuffs that be in my head and might only just serve to show my insecurities and sacredness and fear and the little boy shivering in the corner staring up and out into the world wondering WTF is going on… what the fuschia he’s supposed to be doing and how he’s supposed to do it and why and when and with what order or intensity or….
Just tell me what to do! No, dont act like you can tell me what to do.. I know how to do it, but I dont know what Im doing or how I should be doing.. UGHARG!!!
Just. So. Much….
I feel like I should once again just not publish this feel piece… just wait till I get it all together again to publish a ‘real’ Thinkpiece. Something that accurately shows my meticulous and observative nature. Something that gets people thinking as to the principles of the world and reality. Something that inspires and motivates people to go out and change the world with each their own individualistic genius and creativity. Something ‘real’… not this mass of messy emotions emoting all over the place like some spastic vomiting of massless words with no clear wisdom or lesson or modus operandi of or action steps. With no real ‘sense’… Just a bunch of raw senses sharing raw sensory nervous inputs percolating cross my mind like superluminal maggots orand caterpillars eating to fly… this reactive stuff I rather not put anywhere for anybody to read.
But I know. Deep down and within and without and outside my insides… This the the type of things I need to share. This is for me. This is for those like me who, too, see themselves as one day being something Great.. but feeling like they are failing over and over again at actually achieving any of that greatness. Who just fail. Who feel like imposters among imposters…
I know that this is the stuff that needs sharing. Though it almost assuredly will never get any kind of recognition by the greats on Medium or the Internets… thought it may not even reach the people I want it to reach… Though it may not even mark my maturity and growth and pivoting to finally fearing not my failure.. that this may just be one of many spastic explosions of emotions that I rather not share but get shared anyways…
Though this is all kinda bad .. really bad, horrible reading…
I know now the importance of just acting now when the iron is hot. Should I fail to do that, … then I’ll just have to do it all again until I really do learn ‘how to act’.. ie how to go forward with Action. How to be action-biased truly and for realsies rather than being paralysed by the analysing of my own fear and failures.
I know how it feels to fail. I know not what it feels like to look back and see how courageous you were for forging on with and thus past that fear anyways. At least.. but wait I do! Haha… I know how that feels … because I did exactly that in just about all those moments that I value most in my life….The moment I applied to the Year Up program… stepping up in my internship for my first Fortune 500 company… reaching out to Isaac Morehouse… going to the Millionaire Mastermind Intensive and later joining Karatbars despite never selling anything… Reaching out to various people I admire on Social Media… Doing everything I could to get into Tech Talent South to learn code… Following up with this random dude at a random BBQ and ending up in this internship…so many others that I can even remember or bother listing… but and definitely the crowning moment…
Throwing myself up the hole, falling in love with Soteria Thomas…
So yeah… I know this feeling… I simply lost track of it in the ‘shuffle’ of emotions and the existentialism that is daily life. haha…
Funny how life does that to you… how you do that to ya…
I want to set myself up for success…
So, here are some things I want to do in the next few days, to flex my creative muscles everyday:
- Share 10 Ideas a day for a week (its quite fun, despite the constant fear)
- Start my personal podcast
- Make beats… with my mouth if I must..
- Write and share some poems/raps
- Blog about the Future… and cool ideas
- Tweet about #humansunify
- Question people about stuff…
- Code and ‘publish’ some website/app/tool concepts
- Shoot and post some dance videos
