I fell off again, you know the deal…

Idk why I keep doing this.

Yes I do.

It's because I expect things.

I expect to be going somewhere with these blogs. I expect them to bring some type of return, preferably monetarily,... but even being paid just one other person's attention on a consistent basis will do at this point.

Sure, I may tell myself that I'm just doing this for myself; to get my ideas out of my head and to put things out in the world… to create a habit of creation and value add.

Though that's all true, I still expect something.

And that's my biggest problem.

In life.

I expect too many things from too many people.

I expect recognition for my efforts. I expect someone somewhere to see these and give me that thing. That confirmation of my worth, my value.

Is that sad? Bad?

Probably.

But it's true. And I realize it's truth more and more as I reflect on my many apparent failures and scant, vague successes.

I have a severe self esteem problem.

I have a really hard time seeing my own value.

Every now and then someone I know might tell me I am talented or smart or driven or whatever. But what does that mean? What does it matter if I havent actually accomplished much of worth? And how do I learn to believe that?

I look at my life and still don't see any of the goals I made for myself being met.

Sure, I actually enjoy what I'm doing now most days.

But when will that pay off?

I don't need much to validate my worth. At least enough to move out of my mom's place and actually live on my own.

Is that it? Does it just come down to money?

No, of course not.

But it's still a big part of it.

Money doesn't mean happiness or even value… but it sure as hell helps buy the things you need to feel happiness consistently. And no I don't mean luxury stuff… I mean just your own damn place to live, the ability to buy the food you want to eat, and the space to do what the hell you want with whom you want.

Freedom.

Is that too much to ask? Is that too much to expect?

But of course that's not all either.

I've felt ignored, or felt I've been given secondary or tertiary attention for so long that I now seem to be absolutely, ferociously starved for it.

It's so bad that I don't even know how to get someone's attention. And when I have it, I don't know how to keep it. I don't know what to do with it.

But attention is rare these days innit? It's being hogged by all the shiny screens and sensational media and consumerist culture.

I feel so stupid and foolish and childish and useless for my desire for attention.

I wish I could be like Gary Vee and just not expect things. To not care whether or not someone gives him attention. And just do things that grabs your attention anyways.

I wish I could take his advice and just know my worth. To have my own sense of value.

But gotdamn I have no idea how…

So that's why I'm back.

That's why I'm going to do another 30 day challenge to blog everyday.

To try and figure this shit out through action.

To kill my expectations as I go another 30 articles with no attention or return or sense of self worth.

Because even though I have no idea how to do the things Gary Vee and Yann Girard and Jon Westenberg, and Seth Godin, and Tim Ferris, and so many others do… I know doing something is better than doing nothing.