It’s just a matter of time

What I feel when I’m trying to be ‘patient’ and keep on keepin on…

I doubt and I hesitate and I overthink and I fixate on all my fears

All my faults and failures

I find myself lacking

I find myself unworthy and fake and empty and worthless all the time

Over and over again I just see gaping holes in my logic, my skills, my ability and motivation and even my ideas.. to do anything at all

I find myself to be utterly mediocre… maybe slightly below average, all things considered… when taken in net gains…

I am nothing.. I do nothing… nothing special or unique or valuable.. at least not in the typical sense. Not in the practical sense.

I'm impractical

I feel nothing I do matters.

I fear nothing I do will ever matter.

Perhaps I should just stop trying.

But then what else would I do?

How else will I live my life?

There’s no other way I even want to live…

I don't want to pretend to be normal, to have unassuming thoughts and small dreams and be unambitious. I'd rather die. Nothing else will ever matter if I make such pretenses about myself.

And maybe it will matter. Maybe I will matter. Maybe it's just a matter of time…

Maybe I simply haven't found my stride… haven't found my team… haven't found my special thing.

I'm still young, still have so much time and life to decide, to discover, to find my pride.

Perhaps I have to just keep going. Keep creating and ideating and sharing my mind's eye until someone else sees what I see… THEN I can fly..

Till then I’ll just imagine my flight and attempt to build my plane… my rocket… my star ship… until my copilot and crew is finally ready to go with me… beyond the skies… amongst the stars… higher than anyone else.

It's just a matter of time.