Sometimes I Worry

About what I want

I worry that I’m going to be stuck here.

I worry I am stuck.

I worry that I’m useless. Powerless. Incompetent.

I worry that these current struggles are crucial… too crucial…

I worry that if I don’t figure a way to deal with it then my goals and plans and life will all be on hault.. will get delayed.. indefinitely even.

I worry that my patience is running thin and my sanity along with it.

I worry I will become scarred from this… jaded… pessimistic and weathered down.

I worry I’ll lose my wonder and naive imagination and hope for the world amd humanity… the very childlike curiosity and ideals that got me through these sorts of storms in the first place.

Where will I be and what will I do and how will I persevere without the positive mindset I always spring back to?

Will I have anything to spring back to?

I know that I can help myself.

I know what to-do to not feel this way.

I know that I can meditate and just deal with what I can change while accepting the rest.

I know I can share my burdens and vent and release the worries and frustrations and communicate.

I know I can be grateful for what I do have and for what I can do and for what I have done and enjoy the small things.

I know I can make make myself better. Be patient. Be proactive. Be consistent.

I know I can hope.

But I don’t think I can…

I feel that I wont…

I worry that I don’t want to.

I don’t want to be at peace when my loved ones are suffering.

I don’t want to be okay with this when it’s definitely not okay and not alright.

I don’t want to fall into autopilot right now when I fear I’m low on fuel.

I don’t want to learn to be content with crap on my plate…

I don’t want to 🍽 💩!!

I hate it.

It’s frustrating.

It’s egregeiously irritating and ridiculously stupid and utterly despicable and UGH!!!

But I suppose that’s what makes the reward so much sweeter… so much more meaningful…

I suppose this struggle and suffering and sacrifice is supposed to pay off…

I guess that’s what I should fight for.

It’s worth it.

I should persevere

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But I’m not so sure…