The Self… doubt, hate, esteem
A Book in 30 Days — Day 6 and 7: Chapter 3
Insecurity, lack of confidence, procrastination
Turns out these were bigger factors to my ‘failure’ than any lack of skill or money.
At least it seems so.
It seems that when I stop caring about what might happen, if I demand things from the universe instead of hope and wish and settle, then things happen.
I dont remember a time when I didnt hate myself growing up.
Or at least not a time when I actually loved myself…
I’ve always felt different. I’ve always felt disassociated from my peers.
It may have been a factor of moving too many times, or coming from a different culture (and even feeling disassociated from other Haitians due to my inability to learn my own people’s language), or just from being a different sort of poor. The sort that doesn’t have reliable cable or internet or phones, making it really hard to know what everyone was talking about. The sort that didn’t have the money to buy clothes or shoes to show off. The sort that still didn’t actually live ‘in the hood’ and therefore couldn’t relate much to other poor folk.
Or maybe it’s just me… and my brother. Since both of my sisters managed to have quite the social life.
Whatever the cause, the effect was a feeling of being an undesirable. This, coupled with my early onset feeling of Responsibility, yet inability to fix our problems, led to a cyclical mindset of unworthiness and cynicism.
When you hate yourself, you’re not thinking about why people should hire, or even care about you. You’re only thinking about all the ‘reasons’ why you aren’t capable, valuable, or necessary.
I always, by default, thought myself useless.
I hadn’t made a lot of money or made cool things or was an amazing football player or anything. Thus I had no value.
They were right for not caring about me.
Why should they? I haven’t achieved anything yet… I haven’t achieved even my basic Ambitions…
And it’s not even complaining. I hate complaining. I don’t pity myself, because I know there are far more people worse off, and I know that complaining does nothing.
It was a mindset.
Then I realized something…
I began to wonder,
Why?
Why does it have to be this way?
Why am I flying blind?
How am I supposed to improve myself if I dont even know what’s wrong?
How do I fix myself if I can’t even recognize my own low self-esteem?
It’s not obvious...
Growing up in my culture felt to me like speaking up was seen as talking back. Therefore I never learnt to speak my mind.
Growing up poor felt to me like my parents (and others) had enough on their plates to hear my thoughts. So I never learnt to share my feelings and frustrations.
Growing up felt like a bother to me because I was never taken seriously in my youth. My ideas and advice and more were ignored or got treated with a pat on the back… Thus I never felt like my thoughts mattered.
This created a terrible mindset. One of self- defeat.
I needed to change that. I have to.
So I started thinking and asking and ideating…
Why can't there be some sort of device or interface that allows you to see your own mood? Why don't we have emotion sensors? Apparently our thoughts and even moods have measurable brain waves… frequencies that we can actually discern vague feelings and even surface thoughts from.
Why don't we chase this? It would be an incredibly useful tool for folks like me who have trouble recognizing their own self sabotage.
It’s a matter of perspective… of mindset…
If you view life negatively, or yourself negatively, you’ll be far less likely to perform at your best or even to realize that you’re not performing at your best.
The mind has a way of tricking itself into doing less work. Some people call it being ‘lazy”.. but that’s a value-judgment.. thats a charged statement based on faulty bias and misunderstanding.
The truth is that the brain has and will always evolve to be energy efficient. The brain doesn’t want to use more energy than it has to use to survive. Once it needs more energy, that means more risk, more work, and more struggle.
Therefore… all the things we do to be lazy are not necessarily because we Are lazy.. but likely because our brains are just trying to save on power.
You won't leave all the lights on in your house, and turning them off doesn't mean you're neglecting your house or that your house is a mess.
I realized that I thus have to become aware of my mindset, and consciously work to change it.
I realized that I have to be positive, about myself and life, because that's the only way to grow and live life without worrying about every little thing.
I realized that how I saw and talked to myself matters...
