What an Enlightenment!
This just sparked a bright light of insight inside of me!!
I’ve always dreamed big… so big that it scared me. But only now as I am figuring out how … am I realizing what that means.
I dream so big that I am scared to move… it’s not that my dreams of changing the world for the better seem impossible or that there’s no way someone like me can do it… I get scared into paralysis not by the sheer scope of what I want to do, but by the direction of how to start.
I always wanted to make a difference in the world. That is my purpose. My ambition. My drive. Making a difference is what gets me out of bed when all I feel like doing is escaping into a good book or game or falling into depression.
Perhaps it’s crazy how much it matters to me.
I don’t talk to people unless I think I can make a difference. Thus I don’t do small talk and don’t randomly call old friends and don’t like asking the routine ‘how are you doing’ when I know most people will say ‘fine’ despite their inner turmoil. When I ask, I do so genuinely and so only ask those I know will care to share.
I don’t like to give my opinion or votes or input on things that I don’t feel I matter much… ‘it won’t make a difference’ I’d tell myself. Therefore I keep much of my thoughts and desires and objections and questions and ideas to myself… only recently have I sought to share such things, and mostly because keeping it all inside just makes it fester.
I don’t like and even hate to do drudgery work when my work won’t make a difference to me. I don’t fold my clothes or put them away, because as long as they arent crumpled up or on the floor, then they won’t get dirty/wrinkled anyways… but I always wash my clothes and sheets regularly because that makes a difference… I clean manicaly and do more than I am responsible for, but hate to cover for lazy people; the former makes a difference but the latter is pointless.
I never tried to get a regular job or stay in the traditional job market, because most jobs dont make a difference. Even though I’m struggling and could use the money, working at McDonald’s seems just as pointless as working at a desk.
I look around and see all the hard working people in my demographic and class and family and don’t see any of their work making a difference, even in their own lives. It all seems like an endless wheel… so I figure I’d just continue living with my parents and focus everything on trying to build something that would make a difference.
But even that, building something to make a difference, sometimes feels like I’m not making much of a difference.
I failed to continue posting and creating and documenting my life and ideas because I don’t feel like I make much of a difference.
I thought I just wanted to seem important… I thought I just wanted to create cool things… I thought I just wanted to connect with others…
But no. For me, in reality… I just wanted to make a difference.
Yes… YES.. YES!
I want to make a difference!
I want to change things!
I knew this… but I never knew it…
I never acted on it much.
I never thought to live my life and motivate myself on this very simple aspect of making a difference that Yann just expressed so seemingly effortlessly…
Everybody can make a difference. Even if that difference is just in yourself…
BOOM!
So simple and so Duh and so obvious, yet something I’ve ignored time and again…
It doesn’t matter how small I start or where or why…
As long as I start.. and keep on going…
As long as I realize that the very action of starting and moving and doing every single day males a difference… even just a small difference with me…
Then that’s all that matters.
Soon enough, something I do, somehow, someday… will make a difference to someone else, somewhere, someway… and one day, I will make a difference to several sets of faces in all sorts of places…
I’ve always dreamed big… but now, I’m learning how to live big…
By making a difference…
One. Day. At. A. Time.
