What had been going on in my life? What is up with me??

We’re technically homeless… again.

A combination of being incapable of keeping up with the bills and rent and terrible housing in the first place what with terribly leaky pipes and cracked foundation that let water soak into the basement creating what might be black mold in which may havr caused or at least catalyzed the spontaneous hospital visits that in turn only served to run the bills up…

That all may not have made sense to you, but it all flows in my mind… a hollistic litany of cause and effect, of variables and conditions that have created these terrible living situations we often find ourselves in. The same types of things I know to be transferable to many in similar situations… of my ‘class’.

I find it utterly ridiculous, horrendous, abusive, and honestly barbaric that such things are that of as normal, expected events in the 21st century.

The fact that many live in structures creating anywhere from half a century or even longer and renovated maybe once, every score of years.

Imagine having a computer that is at least 25 years old and only upgraded once maybe 15 years ago… all the regular maintenance and repairs amounting to a patchwork of duct tape, twist ties, and dust cleanings. How many of us would pay 30 to 50% of our paycheck on that??

We don’t accept even accept this for our cars.. which we only utilize 5% of the time.

So why in the hell do we think it right or even acceptable to allow for the utter barbarism of real estate??

Perhaps its because only the poor live like this?… perhaps its because society stigmatizes people in my circumstances as lazy and deprived and ultimately worth nothing more…

Just another example of classism…

But thats not what I mean to talk about to today… I just wanted to do another blogumentary.

I wanted to document this… struggle… this frustration… this utter discontent and fatigue of the system, of wrongness, of my own failings.

I fear and feel I haven’t done enough.. that I can never do enough… at least not until I completely mitigate this sort of thing from ever happening again.

I feel so very drained nearly everyday… my willpower atrophied and my ideation clouded. I feel my passion blunted and direction unclear.

I fear I’ll never be productive enough when I wake up.. nor to deserve sleep. I fear my skillls and resources inadequate to accomplish much of anything. I fear I’m not doing enough. I fear I’m not enough.

Funny… I thought I dealt with the very same thing before, and yet it recurs… it strikes back when my back is turned and at my weakest.

I wonder if its the environment affecting me. The muggy air suffocating my lungs and blocking my poors, making me feel dirty on the outside and thus inside. The new location, so far from the love of my life to gain strength in her presence. Or perhaps the status of my own value and ability to contribute financially, as the grind of a startup crunches on with no immediate promise of recompense.

I worry that I am simply inadequate to live the very life I’ve envisioned for myself. I worry of my use no other life will fulfill me.

And so… thanks to habits I’ve somehow still have… I write and fall back on sharing these insecurities and fears and thoughts in efforts to work through my feelings. I say it’s to document or share my story… but really it’s the only way I’ve found to help myself without feeling guilty.

So what have I been doing? Whats up with me?… The same as always… figuring myself out.

And learning more and more about me…

Wbu??