When they ask me what my greatest obstacle was… this will be my answer:

My biggest problem… the hardest problem and obstacle I’ve had to overcome, was myself.

Growing up was my biggest hurdle. The hardest problem I had to face.

I dont the typical ‘oh how i had to learn how to stop being a child and grow up’… or that i had to mature and give up on childish behaviours or any of that

Almost the exact opposite.

Growing up was hard for me because I did it too fast.

I was the oldest of 6 siblings… Since first or second grade I was always the one they could count on to wake up before anyone else, and thus tasked with waking everyone else up for school and work.

Because I became responsible so quickly and early on, I was just as quickly expected to be responsible.

I was the one they could count on to do his chores, his homework, and get things ready for the next day. Thus, I was the one held accountable to make sure my siblings did the same.

Yet at the same time my father(s) had a hard time with that responsibility… the first was abusive and we left… the second, though always there… was (is) simply too controlling. He did (and still doesn't) know how to cede control. Though he expected and held me accountable for much… I was not given the room to show true autonomy. I was not left to watch the kids till I was in my late teens… and never really had much say in how things could be improved around the house despite my constant responsibilities. Therefore, I grew up in a strange state between being independent and knowing what true independence felt like.

Growing up poor… there were many privileges and ‘rites of passage’ that were never afforded me. I did not have much access to a computer so could not discover the resourcefulness and wild west nature of the internet. I did not have my own cellphone till late high school… it was a little tracfone with only 200 minutes of talk and text; thus I did not know the autonomy or interconnection of friends… this was further aggravated by not having reliable transportation, and yet going to school on the opposite side of town for a better education (despite the same impoverished environment). I did not grow up eating out at any place fancier than a Golden Corral (on special occasions) or going to amusement parks or any fun place at any standard of frequency… even the movie theaters were a rare thing. The only times I went out of state was with my grandfather for work… therefore even those excursions were essentially sheltered.

I did not go to college due to this as well. Though I always wanted to go. I always figured I would enjoy the near freedom to study whatever I wanted and make my own connections… it just didnt pan out.
Due to my parent’s debt and my already bad credit, my fafsa was withheld… by the time it went through, I had next to know scholarships or financial aid. I could not even afford (nor could gather from my fellow broke fam and friends) the 300 for the registration fee.

So I (forcefully) opted out of college.

In short… I grew up as an independent without actually knowing much of how it feels to be independent.

I had to learn not about maturity and responsibility and accountability… I had to learn dependence. I had to first discover my problem of codependence… then figure out how to be healthily dependent.

I had to get used to depending on others for actionable advice and realize that they cared for me, not out of a sense of responsibility or burden, but because they simply believed in me and where I could go in life.

I had to fight my own tendency to find reason not to trust others in regards to how much I can depend on them to deliver or to change or to grow or even to listen to me.

I had to gain confidence in my ability to connect with others to form interdependent bonds. To network and socialize.

I had to be okay with earning a living through depending on my employer’s responsibility to pay me and give meaningful work (and that I can ask for more).

I had to show my thirst and hunger and open my mouth, my mind… depending on others to feed me with their opportunities.
Before, I thought ‘clothes mouths dont get fed’ was just an excuse to not care for those that cant or wont ask for help. I thought going without and letting others go first and not voicing my needs was what I was supposed to do. I thought it my responsibility to put others before me.

I had to realize that this world, that humanity, is not built on independence. People are inherently and irrevocably dependent.

We are dependent on nature to provide life… and on our parents to raise us and on society to include us and on each other to connect with us… We are dependent on the goodwill of others, the shared social responsibilities of others and the willingness to follow rules. We are dependent on our devices to just work and our technology to get better and on life to make some kind of sense… We are dependent even on ourselves to have enough trust and wherewithal to actually depend on others to live a fulfilled life.

I had to grow up. I thought I had to do it myself. I thought it was up to me and me alone to figure things out and to deal with my problems and to be there for others even when I needed them to be there for me.

I had to grow up. To share my responsibilities and burdens and fears and hopes and dreams.

I am growing up.